Temporary Madness

Love came.  It was not unexpected. In all honesty I saw it coming, fast and unstoppable. I kept on denying it, trying to convince myself that I can never feel this much attention for a man who is not man enough or me. For a man whose heart was never mine. But as time went by, reasons failed me, and my heart conquered my mind leaving me defenseless and doomed. I can no longer contradict my feelings, thus, acceptance became reasonable I persuaded myself that once I accepted this truth it will be easier for me to just let it go in the right time, given the complexities of our relationship. I fell in love with a man who has someone in his life, and though he told me that he cannot be sure of his love for her, the fact remains that they are together and I am the special someone who will always want to be the one.

For months we have been more than friends but less than lovers. Yes to fun, discovery and excitement but no expectation, demand and commitment. I knew that! I darn well knew that! Still, I went on. Yes, I settled for less than nothing. I did that. Love did that!

I have said goodbye so many times but I was not able to let go. I made promises to myself but I end up breaking them. How can it feels so right whenever I am with him? Why is it so wrong to be together? What we have is a perfect combination of happiness and hurt, beauty and madness, connection and distance, simplicity and complication, excitement and exhaustion, fate and hopelessness and love and friendship. It is everything but normal.

 I have tried finding reasons to just stop holding on. I demanded an answer. The truth! What do we really mean to each other? Still, the question remained unanswered, displaying his immaturity and passiveness. And so, I weave my own answer, to end this madness! I thought that if I wanted to be right, now is always the right time. I just need to decide even if it means goodbye. Maybe he already gave his heart away, but not to me. And so, I decided to be right, in order to stop the wrong, to conclude what we have and who we are for each other. I refuse to go on this way.

I know I deserve better. And I cannot disagree with my heart and mind, when so rarely they are in harmony, that maybe there will be us or maybe there won’t be, but there will be someone, there will be!